I was recently asked to write a story about my goals for 2020.
Being the obliging person that I am to your requests, I’ve started out to write a little blog post detailing what I hope to achieve this year.
Firstly, though, I want to start with a brief note that this is in no way a “new year, new me” kind of post. It’s also not a list of “people I want to wrestle in 2020” as I note some pro wrestlers do. Whatever you’re hoping to read, this may in fact very much disappoint.
A little background of what’s going on for me. This is, in fact, incredibly difficult to write and admit. As forthcoming as I am in my posts, I’m also very private and reserved. There is a large part of my life that I don’t share with you all and I find it difficult to share.
When I first started blogging, it was great how many of you reached out to congratulate me or to acknowledge the strength it took to post. There was one person who also wrote to me, congratulated me on finally starting to write and then proceeded to ask me never to write about them.
To that person: Hi. Get fucked. I will write what I want to write.
So, why is that all relevant right now? Because right now, I find myself in a place I haven’t been in for quite some time. A place I was last in when that person and I were incredibly close. While most of you were out partying hard and ringing in the new years blurred, drunk or with loved ones, I found myself with an incredible urge to write. I got home from a 3 hour long drive at about 8pm at night. Rather than grabbing a bite to eat and heading out to meet a friend, I pulled out my laptop, poured a whiskey and began typing.
Before I knew it, it was getting close to midnight. I had sat there for nearly 4 hours. I hadn’t stopped to eat. OK, I maybe got up to use the bathroom a few times and refill the whiskey once. It wasn’t until my sister messaged me, knowing that I was home by myself that I stopped to acknowledge the world and its existence as the new year was about to begin. (Thank you to her + my nephew for phoning & celebrating the coming of 2020 with me btw).
After 4 hours / approx. 8 pages, my eyes were blurry from looking at the screen for so long. As my eyes burned, and after saying goodnight to my sister, I went back to typing a little longer and then finally decided I should stop. Something in me wanted to keep going but I stopped. I figured I should probably ring in the new year with clear eyes and a somewhat, clear head.
What did I write? Oh… the particulars and details are definitely something I am not ready to share yet. What I can tell you is that the realisation I took in was that where I had last found myself in a downward spiral and where I am now was feeling very familiar. I started to look at what the common factors were. What my role to play in this was.
I literally sat in awe. I could practically feel a giant weight lifting off my chest and a lightbulb flickering above my head. The common factor was clearly me. My role to play here was that I had let my vision go for the sake of doing what I thought was right but was so wrong. I forgot to live for me, doing what I loved and being who I love being. I began to feel incredibly useless. My self-esteem had again hit an all-time low. I was starting to look at others to pull me out, forgetting that it is me who controls my thoughts, feelings and decisions. No one else. (D’uh!)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m truly grateful for and love the life I have right now. I know what I have and what I’m capable of. I know some people actually dream of the life I have. This doesn’t make anything any easier. In fact, sometimes it makes things harder as I feel like I’m failing myself for not making the most of this life, which only pulls me down further.
I let so many things impact me. Other people’s opinions, decisions outside my control, negative behaviours of others. So much bring me down. I had allowed myself to become so overwhelmingly negative and depressed that some days, I struggled to move from the couch.
Not exactly sounding like your unstoppable 4-time IPW NZ Women’s Champion right now, huh? In fact, sometimes when people talk to me about who I am in the wrestling ring, these days, I feel like a fraud.
So, there ya have it. That’s where my head is at. Not great. I am struggling. But I am far from giving up and getting worse. I have realised what’s wrong and I’m not going to get any worse. As the man who I was chatting with at the gym recently said, “this is the come back!”
Yes, mate! This is absolutely the comeback.
So, what are my goals for 2020? That’s a hard question to answer right now. My current goal is to take each day as it comes. Find positives and be grateful in each day. Take small steps to improving me each and every day. Be more organised, be fitter, faster, fierier. I want my oomph back. This gal needs to let loose and shack her booty.
I could go on. The simple fact is that our minds are incredibly powerful. Mine is toxic right now and needs some extra care. That’s what I’m giving it. If you see me not so active on social media, I might be taking a break because I need to, for me. If you see me on social media even more than usual, it’s likely I’m in need of a nudge to get back out of my negative headspace. Or, I might just be happy and want to share it with you all.
Life’s hard. Take each day as it comes and never give up. Better days are coming and they will be worth it.