I know I’m not perfect but, I sure as heck do try to be most of the time. I hate failing. I hate doing wrong. And I sure as heck hate feeling like I’m not good enough. I wrote about not feeling good enough a wee while back (you can read that here).
So, let me tell you, these past few weeks have been absolutely hell for me. I won’t go into too much detail but being a woman sometimes can absolutely suck. Post the age of 30, your body seems to decide it’s time to make life that little bit more difficult for you (or, it has done so for me). I guess it’s like I levelled up or something and my body decided it was time for some new challenges.
Everything was more difficult, but the worst part for me was the lack of control I had. Being someone who likes to be in control and on top of things, not being able to control my own body was frustrating, upsetting and unnerving. I thought I knew myself well but, I struggled with the fact that I really didn’t know what was going on or how to deal with it. In fact, being honest, I may have panicked a bit and considered seeing a doctor. This is weird for me as I avoid doctors unless absolutely required, (like when I got sick last month).
Why write about this? Because I need you to know, I’m not perfect. I’m not strong all the time. I’m not always in control of myself. I try. I try so hard most of the time but, I just can’t be that person all the time. So, I’m letting you know the raw truth…
I break down. I get upset. I fret. I worry. I panic. I torture myself with worst-case scenarios. I torment myself with those worst-case scenarios and I turn them into complete nightmares. And maybe it’s because I have such a vivid imagination still but, those imagined worst-case scenarios feel so real that I work myself up into a complete mess sometimes. I don’t want to be embarrassed by this. It is what it is. I know I do it. I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know logically I have nothing to worry about but, the downward spiral has begun and it’s difficult to stop.
But, it can be stopped. And that’s why I’m sharing this. Because, it is ok to have moments of weakness. It is ok to freak out and to break down occasionally. We need to vent. We need to let it out. We need to express ourselves. It’s what makes us human. It’s what we do with it that counts and how we move forward that’s the most important thing for our own wellbeing.
What did I do? I shared my worries with someone I could trust, my sister. I let her know my crazy scenarios because I knew she’d laugh but also that she knew me well enough to know where my head was at and why. She also seems to know what to say most of the time. I also shared with my partner and I’m super grateful that he knows me well enough to know what I need without asking. It amazes me that we’ve only known each other for 2 years, he seems to know me better than anyone. Having their support helped me through.
Having my own support was the most important. Throughout the past few weeks, in similar situations in the past, I would hide from the world. I’ve obviously learnt since then that I don’t thrive like that. This time, I pushed myself. I went to the gym more than I have in a while, 5 days in a row. That’s a triumph for me in itself. Squatting 75kg for the first time too gave me a boost of pride that I needed to get through that day. My diet has been impeccable for the past few weeks. I’ve done more cooking than I have in a while and have been enjoying it.
I’ve had so many achievements in the past fortnight that it feels weird to think I’ve truly been going through a physical hell. Another achievement is that I’ve my first ulcer in years this week… a downside but, the realization that I haven’t had one since I was in a previous job is pretty awesome. I guess the last time I was this stressed was about 7 years ago, and at that time I was so stressed I had 12 ulcers in my mouth :/
To have only 1 ulcer as a result of these past few weeks, I’m ok with that. It’ll be gone soon because I’m not going to let these changes define me. I’m not going to let my body tell me what’s up. I’m going to keep pushing through and ensure my mindset, my mental health, remains priority. I’m going to keep reminding myself that I’m a badass. I got this. I’ve just levelled up and I’m ready for that next challenge. Bring on the boss level!