Just when everything is going well, and you think life is great, something happens to confront you and put an end to that happiness.
We never anticipate it, we get so busy with our day to day lives that it all just goes by so quickly. You seem like you’re coping but deep down you know there’s something bubbling. A thought/feeling that’s been stewing for so long, but you just wish it would go away. Well, I hate to break it to you… it won’t go away.
Recently, I was confronted with this fact head on. I’ve mentioned previously that I decided to visit a psychiatrist to uncover some inside goings on of my own mind. I went back to this psychiatrist recently. I started to tell her how great things were going. Then, I got a phone call during the start of the session. Thinking it might have been in relation to something important, I answered it.
After I hung up, she asked me why I would do that. Assuming I had just done something wrong. Breached some sort of patient-psychiatrist code or something, I apologized. She wasn’t interested in my apology though. She proceeded to ask again, “why would you do that? Why would you put your needs aside to make time for that call?”
I hadn’t even thought of it like that. She was right though. After all, the session wasn’t cheap. Psychiatrists come at a large cost. They’re worth it, don’t get me wrong, but I’d just wasted 5 minutes of my time and money on this other person’s call. It wasn’t that important. It could have waited. I won’t get back that time now.
As my mind drifted on to those thoughts, the psychiatrist pulled me back in with a statement that hit hard, “Something tells me you do that a lot. You put others needs before your own.”
Oh boy, was she right. I looked at her so confronted and astounded that it took her uttering the words for me to admit that she was right. It seems so strange given that I have no issues standing up for other people. I will always stand up for what’s fair and true. Where someone I know is wronged or is putting themselves second, I have no hesitation to let them know they deserve better, and to put themselves first.
But put myself first?! Nooo….. OK, maybe sometimes. But, it’s never easy. Part of the problem is that I don’t always know what I want… I’m a Libra so I find making decisions quite difficult to begin with. Basically, I want everything. Don’t ask me to pick favourites!
Another part of the problem is that I always understand the other person’s point of view before they have a chance to share their side. If I want to confront someone, I’ll often have the entire conversation in my head before I even say hello to them. The problem with this is that they don’t know how I’m truly feeling and I haven’t actually heard their side, I have assumed I know what they’ll say.
It was a very confronting session with this psychiatrist and it’s a bit rough to share with you all, but in sharing this, I hope it may help someone else.
I came out of the session feeling depleted but also strangely energized. It was my last session with her too, so I wanted to leave on a high. I wasn’t going to be disappointed though because I knew the truth of the matter is that the next steps are all on me. Only I can control my actions, thoughts and feelings. And I’ve got my back now. If I don’t stand up for myself, and teach people how I want to be treated, then how will they ever know?
This was a few weeks ago now and what have I done since?
I’ve let people know when I’m not ok with something, I’ve stood up for myself a bit more and have turned down a few things that I simply didn’t want to do. I prioritized time for myself and the things I wanted to achieve. I also prioritized my relationship and have implemented ‘date nights’ and Sundays as our time together because life is so hectic, we both want to achieve so much that we can’t forget to appreciate each other and enjoy the down times together too.
Making these few changes in such a small space of time have helped. I’m feeling more like myself than I have in years.
If you’re feeling like I was, I really do suggest going to talk to someone. Talking with a psychiatrist will help you understand yourself better, and why you do what you do. We all behave how we do due to habits created from a young age. Please, put yourself first. It’s really easy to let life take over but you need to always put yourself first. Take care of you. Make time for those things that are most important to YOU.
This is only the beginning! We are good enough. We deserve better. It’s time we started standing up for ourselves and what we want!
Thank you for reading Brit Army x
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