The power of the mind

Have you ever felt like your entire world was crashing down around you? Like you were completely alone. Negative thoughts flying through your mind, circling around like vultures picking apart a dying animal?

I had a moment like this recently. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s extremely difficult to share this with anyone, especially here.

This is not to say I was unhappy with life. Quite the opposite. I’m really happy. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Life is great and going really well. So why was I suddenly curled up in a ball, crying and a complete mess?

To be honest, I didn’t have the answer. There was the obvious fact that I had taken on too many extra activities that I was burning myself out. However, I felt there was more to it than this. There had to be more to it than just what I was doing. The thoughts I kept thinking were not healthy. I wanted to run away from everything that made me happy. This couldn’t just be because I was busy.

So, I sought out professional help from someone who has studied the human mind for over 7 years, a psychiatrist. Yes. I went to a shrink. I needed to know how to get back in control. And I wanted to understand why I was like this. Why I couldn’t let myself be happy.

I won’t go into all the details of what we discussed in our sessions. Perhaps I will share some of that another day. What I will share is what I learnt in these sessions. I learnt that your mind, emotions and responses are learned from an early age. I learnt that the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was having were from psychological habits learnt from the roles I played as a child and the circumstances I was brought up in. I also learnt that my situation is not unique and I’m not alone.

I’ve since read a lot about attachment trauma, borderline personality disorder, triangulation and many other psychology theories that somewhat, if not completely, apply to my situation. It’s incredibly insightful and reassuring to know that I can actually control and influence more than I realise. To know that I haven’t done anything wrong. That I can, and WILL, get better. It’s incredibly empowering.

Most importantly, I’m starting to learn what I need to do to be a better person. Not only for myself so that I can enjoy the life I have and be happy. But also to improve my relationship with my partner. To better support him and be there for him. And so that, one day, I can be a great mother and raise my children in a safe and happy home so that they grow to be strong and independent people.

With only a few sessions in, I’m extremely grateful that I went. Whilst I consider myself very self-aware and in control, there was a lot that I had kept quiet on for so long that was having a bigger impact on my life than I had cared to admit. I wouldn’t have addressed these had I not seen this psychiatrist.

All my life, I had thought going to a “shrink” meant I was weak or clearly in need of crazy pills. However, going to a psychiatrist is far from this. Seeking professional help is not weak. It’s smart. It’s a place to talk to seek help for you, without judgement. It’s an un-biased and professional view on your mind. Don’t underestimate the power your mind can have.

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