Have you ever felt like your entire world was crashing down around you? Like you were completely alone. Negative thoughts flying through your mind, circling around like vultures picking apart a dying animal?
I had a moment like this recently. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s extremely difficult to share this with anyone, especially here.
This is not to say I was unhappy with life. Quite the opposite. I’m really happy. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Life is great and going really well. So why was I suddenly curled up in a ball, crying and a complete mess?
To be honest, I didn’t have the answer. There was the obvious fact that I had taken on too many extra activities that I was burning myself out. However, I felt there was more to it than this. There had to be more to it than just what I was doing. The thoughts I kept thinking were not healthy. I wanted to run away from everything that made me happy. This couldn’t just be because I was busy.
So, I sought out professional help from someone who has studied the human mind for over 7 years, a psychiatrist. Yes. I went to a shrink. I needed to know how to get back in control. And I wanted to understand why I was like this. Why I couldn’t let myself be happy.
I won’t go into all the details of what we discussed in our sessions. Perhaps I will share some of that another day. What I will share is what I learnt in these sessions. I learnt that your mind, emotions and responses are learned from an early age. I learnt that the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was having were from psychological habits learnt from the roles I played as a child and the circumstances I was brought up in. I also learnt that my situation is not unique and I’m not alone.
I’ve since read a lot about attachment trauma, borderline personality disorder, triangulation and many other psychology theories that somewhat, if not completely, apply to my situation. It’s incredibly insightful and reassuring to know that I can actually control and influence more than I realise. To know that I haven’t done anything wrong. That I can, and WILL, get better. It’s incredibly empowering.
Most importantly, I’m starting to learn what I need to do to be a better person. Not only for myself so that I can enjoy the life I have and be happy. But also to improve my relationship with my partner. To better support him and be there for him. And so that, one day, I can be a great mother and raise my children in a safe and happy home so that they grow to be strong and independent people.
With only a few sessions in, I’m extremely grateful that I went. Whilst I consider myself very self-aware and in control, there was a lot that I had kept quiet on for so long that was having a bigger impact on my life than I had cared to admit. I wouldn’t have addressed these had I not seen this psychiatrist.
All my life, I had thought going to a “shrink” meant I was weak or clearly in need of crazy pills. However, going to a psychiatrist is far from this. Seeking professional help is not weak. It’s smart. It’s a place to talk to seek help for you, without judgement. It’s an un-biased and professional view on your mind. Don’t underestimate the power your mind can have.
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