When you aren’t enough

The moment I locked eyes on him, I knew. I knew I would do everything in my power to give him the best of me and nothing was going to stop me. When Tatum made me a Mumma something in me clicked, a love I could never have described before experiencing it. He was everything and all the pain and exhaustion from the past few days faded as I marvelled at our son and just how perfect he was! My love for my husband grew as I watched him so tenderly holding our son and staring at this amazing little boy we had created. He even had a precious gift all prepared for me that we later engraved with the details which set off my happy tears! (much love and hubby appreciation for thinking of such a special thing for this moment!)

I only hope one day we get to experience that magical day again, the day we meet our child for the first time.

But what happens when you aren’t enough? When you aren’t able to be what he needs? When your job or purpose in life, whatever you want to call it, is to be there for your family but in that moment you just aren’t enough to fulfil their needs.

 

Recently I had surgery that took me out of our home without warning for a week. This week was not easy on anyone. My family is amazing at supporting us, always willing to help us out in whatever way we need it, except they were a plane flight away during this one particular week and so we had to do it on our own. I felt guilty for not being what my husband and son needed in that time, guilty for having to be in hospital for the week and guilty that my husband was left at home with a confused three year old who struggled to understand why Mumma wasn’t around. I felt guilty that I had left my husband with no support for a week during a time he needed support the most and then on top of that needing him to support me. I felt guilty that our son was confused and didn’t understand. I felt guilty that family and friends were worried about me. I felt guilty every time I needed help with something because I couldn’t move due to the drain sticking out of my stomach. Most of all, I felt guilty that I had to take time out from being a Mumma and Wifey and couldn’t be what they needed, I wasn’t enough. I felt like I let them down.

 

This guilt that I was feeling had nothing to do with any pressures anyone else was putting on me, it all had to do with pressures that I placed on myself. My husband was incredible at holding it together throughout this week and with the help of an awesome family friend, who helped sort dinner and company for three of those nights, managed to get through the week. Then when I made it home, and my family made it back to Auckland we had their incredible support in the form of childcare and homemade dinners so we could focus on what needed our focus.

 

But how ridiculous is it that as a Mumma I’m not able to have time away from family without feeling guilty. Why is it that we feel this pressure to be everything to everyone at all times and feel guilty for needing time out for whatever reason? Who said that we needed to do everything on our own? Who said we can’t lean on others for support or have a tribe of people that we surround ourselves with?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we set unrealistic expectations on us and then feel guilty when we can’t live up to it?

 

We have an amazing tribe we surround ourselves with. Not only do we have the unconditional support and input from my family, but we have surrounded ourselves with the love and support of close friends who are like our family. The old saying goes, “it takes a village to raise a family” and I am so thankful to have the village that I have supporting us and I feel blessed to be able to offer support when they need it.

 

Why should I feel guilt for needing to step away from the full time Mumma hat I wear to have surgery and recover from complications? I shouldn’t, but I did.

 

Why should I feel guilty when my husband and I take a weekend away just for us? …Because it is such a tragedy for our son to get to spend a couple nights with his grandparents who spoil him! (can anyone hear my eyes rolling?) In fact, we are doing just this in a couple weeks, getting away for a couple nights and doing something just for us! It is important to do things for yourself and your marriage and not just everything for your kids. You can’t be the best Mumma you can be without looking after yourself, it’s impossible! You can’t “be enough” if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

 

Stop putting such high amounts of pressure and expectations on yourselves! Yes, learn from everything, but don’t expect yourself to be perfect and give yourself a break. You deserve it!

 

Until next time friends,

Erin

xx

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